[fic] Desperation

[kiyala.livejournal.com]

Title: Desperation
Author: kiyala
Word Count: 2598
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Almost what he wanted... but not quite enough.
Warnings: boys kissing, boysex, slight non-con themes
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: Kubo Tite owns Bleach
Notes: Oh god, this turned out MUCH worse than I expected it to =/ sorry for all of those people who were expecting something good and will be disappointed -___-;; this took me so long too! It's hard to get back into the writing-machine mood after you've been running on too little sleep and assessment stress x___x

not cross-posting anywhere because I honestly have no idea where to post this o_O



Why.

I hate that word. It’s something I don’t like thinking about. Something that shouldn’t even need to be asked sometimes. But still, it plagues me.

My apartment block was silent at night time, everyone repsectfully making sure they didn’t disturb one another as they tried to sleep. But that night, my own flat was filled with low, quiet panting. I growled and leaned harder against the wall, digging the side of my arm into it and clenching my fist as the other held tightly to my own cock as I pumped, aroused, ashamed and so, so desperate.

Why. Was was I doing it? I think it was even worse this time, because I had a reason.

It began with Kurosaki. It finished with Kurosaki. It always did.

Kurosaki…

Ichigo.




We are allies, in the loosest sense of the word. At least, we were, back when I could actually contribute something to the cause. We would fight the Hollows side by side… until I lost my powers. Then, I had stopped going to the midnight meets we would have, never spoken of but mutually agreed upon, where we would nod in greeting to each other and do what we had to. Destroy Hollows. I had noticed his worry, he had been looking at me in class with concern in his eyes, but when I looked deeper into those brown orbs, I saw something different.

Something I was afraid would reflect in my own eyes.

I avoided speaking to him at the end of the day although he walked towards me, mouth already open and waiting for his throat to form the words. I dodged his concerned, disappointed? look as he watched me walk away. There was nothing I could say. Nothing I could do. I was no longer a Quincy, so there was no need to continue meeting him in the middle of the night. I couldn’t destroy those monsters anymore.

So why did I want to go there so badly? The place we met night after night until we went to Soul Society to save Kuchiki-san… I knew my way there even if I kept my eyes closed. I did not understand why I wanted to go there, not even when walking to it dressed in my Quincy clothes. Pathetic.

He was standing there on his own. I took the fact he couldn’t detect my presence to my advantage and stayed in the shadows to watch him for a moment. Was that sadness I saw? Disappointment? Longing?

Or was I just being taken over by my own emotions?

I stepped forward and he looked up quickly, his eyes searching and… desperate? They widened as he accepted that yes, I was standing there and then he let out a small laugh.

“Who are you trying to fool there, Ishida?” he asked with a smirk, “We both know you can’t use your bow anymore.”

My own eyes widened. I hadn’t realised that he knew. I hadn’t realised that he even had the ability to know.

There was a Hollow cry not far off and he prepared himself, hand already tightly gripping the hilt of his sword. He nodded towards me before disappearing.

“Take care, okay?”

Just before he disappeared from my sight, our eyes met and I saw something in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. Something deep inside him, that called out to something I didn’t realise was inside me. He was gone and it was only when I closed the door of my flat behind me that I realised how aroused I was.

And for what reason? As I struggled out of my pants, stumbling to my bedroom, it wasn’t hard to accept.

Kurosaki. This was his fault. He had somehow gained control of my hormones and I groaned quietly as my hand touched my own throbbing erection.

God, I wanted him.




I was nearly spent when it happened. I was barely able to hold myself up, hand and legs already covered with my release as I stroked relentlessly, remembering the way he had glanced in my direction in class, the way he looked at me a few minutes ago… the look that made everything fall in place. My breath hitched as I felt the pressure inside my body build to breaking point, but before I was able to finish off, a pair of arms wrapped around me. It was a rough embrace before both hands went straight for my groin, cupping my balls and pumping my cock in a mind-shatteringly wild manner. Arching, I leaned back against the body those arms were attached to and I cried out as I released, proud that it didn’t sound like a name.

“Ah…” I was lowered to the floor and I turned my head slightly to look at the figure silhoutted in the moonlight.

“I-Ichigo…?”

I saw a gaping mouth spread into a smirk and a voice that sounded like pleasure and pain. A million tortured souls screaming while at the same time, angels whispered tender words.

“Not quite.”

Two words had never unsettled me as much as those two.

“What have you done to him?” I asked, my breath hitching and making my chest hurt as it heaved to allow my heartbeat to return to normal.

The black smirk widened, if it was even possible, and two bright orange eyes against chalk-white skin and similarly coloured hair became clearly visible now too.

“Nothing, compared to what I’ll do to you.”

“What the hell—”

“Hasn’t he told you about me?” it sounded more like a taunt that a question and those unnaturally bright eyes widened along with a smirk, “Ou, I mean. I thought he would have told you.”

“Ou?”

I’m sure I should have been seeing teeth. “The other me.”

“Ichigo,” I whispered quietly and there was a loud cackle.

“I’m sick of being his horse,” the other face was uncomfortably close to mine, “I’ve decided to do some mounting of my own.”

The connotations made my eyes widened and I backed myself up against the wall.

“Come on now… you were the one whacking off to the thought of him, I don’t think it’d be any different to screwing him.”

I’ll admit it, as much as I hate to, but the thought of screwing Ichigo was a rather powerful turn-on. I let out a small purr and received another one of those disconcerting smirks. He… was it a he? Was it even human? Whatever it was, it touched my face with a hand. I shivered and leaned in towards the contact but it was already gone.

“I’m not like Ou. He is happy to give… as long as his pride isn’t hurt along the way. That’s why he hasn’t come tonight.”

I vaguely picked up the reference to Ichigo coming here and blinked, “Huh?”

…That was dignified.

With a low chuckle, the Not-Ichigo squat down in front of where I sat and ran a hand through his hair, forcing his grinning face into a scowl that looked disturbingly familiar.

“I have to save everyone. Everything depends on me. I want to protect my friends.”

“Ichigo…” It really wasn’t a good idea to remind me of him right then.

The smirk returned in the blink of an eye, “Yeah. That’s not me. He’ll give, he’ll care. I’m the opposite. I’m going to take what I want and I don’t give a shit if you don’t like it.”

“Anti-Ichigo,” I murmured, vaguely amused.

He tilted his head and that smirk faded. I suddenly wished it hadn’t, because unsettling as it had been, this serious look in his eyes was worse. And when did I start calling it a he? Why did he have to look so much like Ichigo, why did he have to be here and why was he saying all of this to me?

“No. Hollow Ichigo.”

My heart stopped for a moment and I stared at his chest, which was covered by white Shinigami robes. Looking away, he pulled them down and I couldn’t stare at that hole without my insides freezing, so I chose to shut my eyes.

Ichigo… what happened to you?

It was odd to feel the touch of a Hollow. It wasn’t dead and cold as I had expected… it was actually warm, comforting… as if it were really Ichigo. Arms wrapped around me and I suddenly realised I was sitting on my bedroom floor, naked from the waist down and in the arms of a Hollow. Blushing and panicking, I moved to escape his grip, but it tightened.

“I told you. I’m taking what I want from you.”

I felt a sinking feeling in my gut as I realised exactly what that meant. And then I felt ashamed, because I had suddenly stopped protesting.

“Close your eyes and pretend it’s really Ou if you want,” he whispered into my ear and his breath was cold, making my ear hurt slightly.

“Ichigo…” I closed my eyes and leaned against the Hollow’s chest, a few renegade tears running down my cheeks, “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because he’s letting me, even if he doesn’t realise.”

“Why?”

“Idiot,” there was mocking in his voice and I tried to ignore the fact that it hurt, “Don’t you know he wants you?”

I looked up and he pinned me against the wall, “Do this for him.”

“Ichigo…”

I took his hand in mine and squeezed it gently, wondering if this was what it would feel like to touch Ichigo’s hand. Was I touching Ichigo’s hand? I couldn’t tell… It seemed inconsequential as the Hollow moved forward and mashed our lips together. I don’t know if Ichigo had kissed anyone before, but somehow his Hollow knew how to kiss properly… not that I had anything to compare against.

Oh god. My first kiss to a Hollow. My insides turned when I realised that wasn’t the only first-something going to this creature but I closed my eyes tightly and tried to shake that thought from my mind. Ichigo, Ichigo. Just pretend it was him.

The tongue pushing its way into my mouth was cold and uncomfortable. Teeth bit down into my lip and I gasped, ashamed that I was actually liking this. He tugged at my lower lip with his teeth before letting go and biting into my neck. I moaned and unconsciously spread my legs, allowing him in close enough to rub his groin against the half-hardness between my legs. My head rolled back against the wall and I tensed up before shuddering in pleasure. I barely noticed him taking his robe off and pulling off the top of my Quincy uniform. I lay on the carpeted floor, shivering due to the cold, and in anticipation as those bright eyes scanned my body.

“He’s pathetic,” the Hollow spoke and the haze of pleasure suddenly cleared off.

“Hm?”

“Ou. When he sees more of your body than he should, like in gym class when you’re getting dressed, his mind fills with how badly he wants to keep those clothes off you, and take you into the showers and—”

“You’re lying,” I groaned, despite the fact I was hoping it was the truth.

“Either way, your body seems to like it,” a hand wrapped around my cock and stroked. I let out a small cry and it took all of my will power to make sure I didn’t release then and there. A few more strokes and I did anyway, covering his hands with the same substance I realised I still had to clean up from earlier.

Coating his own hardness with my release, he positioned himself and without any warning, pushed in.

It hurt, it hurt. It felt so good, but oh god, it hurt so much. It hurt down where he was thrusting into me, it hurt my head as I still struggled to understand what was going on, but most of all, it hurt in my chest as I kept telling myself that this wasn’t really Ichigo. It was just the manifestation of some sick fantasy, though I wasn’t sure on whose part it was.

He pushed roughly, making my body hit the wall behind me with each thrust as his hands gripped my wrists in a painfully tight manner. I was going to be bruised, all over. I hoped no one would notice, but at the same time… I didn’t quite mind. It was still Ichigo… sort of.

The increasing pain gave way to increasing pleasure and my orgasm came in short spurts. I don’t think I was able to hold back this time and even if I was, I don’t think I would have wanted to as I dug my short nails into the pale shoulders and groaned Ichigo’s name, long and loud as I arched and collapsed back onto the floor in a shivering tangle. Somewhere in the middle of it all, he had also released and I felt extremely dirty as he pulled out of me and gave me one last smirk.

“He… liked that, you know.”

My face was feeling far too hot and I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so I closed them for a moment, only to reopen them to find I was no longer looking into unnaturally bright eyes, but the chocolate browns I had always wanted to see myself reflected in.

But this time, I had no time to look for my reflection. All I saw was the fear and had to quickly grab his wrist before he moved away.

“Don’t, I can’t—”

“Ichigo.”

He hesitated and I tightened my grip on him.

“…Stay?”

“Ishida, I—” he stopped and frowned, “I just—”

“You didn’t stop him.”

Ichigo paused and his eyes widened, “What…? What makes you think that?”

“He knew it.”

I supposed the silence meant that he agreed with me and I leaned forward, “Ichigo…”

He turned slightly and I touched my lips to his, “Don’t be such a coward next time.”

He moved forward and kissed me before I could move away and looked deep into my eyes, “Did he hurt you?”

I was sore, I was going to bruise and my heart had been bleeding while being fucked by someone who was almost the one I wanted while still being denied him… but as I looked into his eyes, none of it seemed to matter. It didn’t even feel like a lie when I smiled and said no.

“I was so afraid that he would—”

“Ichigo…”

He stopped and I gave him an honest nod, “It’s okay. I… I don’t mind.”

His brown eyes narrowed and looked away. I could see that the fear still hadn’t left them but I still felt somewhat more confident.

“I…” he began and then looked at me, “Uryuu. I’m sorry.”

And that was when I hit him.

“I told you. It’s okay. Stop feeling so damn bad about yourself. You have a Hollow. So what? He knows you better than you want to admit, and well… I know things I wouldn’t know otherwise, don’t I?”

“But—”

“I love you,” I growled and kissed him, “So shut the fuck up.”

He was taken aback and blinked for several moments before wrapping his arms around me tightly, “That won’t happen again.”

I grinned as I buried my face in the warm skin of his neck before murmuring a reply, “Well next time if it does, it better really be you.”

I could feel him smile as he kissed my temple and held me tighter, “I’m sure I could manage that.”